Essay 1: Organization

OPTIONAL REVISION OF ESSAY 1


As a whole, the class did very well on Essay 1, and 4 students already accomplished successful revisions over the break.  For those who didn't do as well as they had hoped, here are some trends; if you see that this applies to your essay, you can thoroughly correct the problem:

In category 1 of the grading rubric,

• some students really needed for their topic sentences (the first sentence in each body paragraph) to have something to do with comparison/contrast, and NOT to tell part of the story being covered.
• in some cases, in body paragraphs, students spent too much time summarizing the plot and not enough time talking about the psychological aspects of the characters or, if relevant, the political aspects of the stories.
• some students did not cover the narrative mode and 2 other literary techniques
• some students did very general summaries of comparison/contrast in the conclusion rather than the key points that made the stories similar or different.

In category 2 of the rubric,

• Some students did not follow any of the outlines closely enough. One number in the outline =one paragraph
• In some cases, transitions between the stories weren't clear

In category 3 of the rubric,

• For students who had low grades in category 3, I strongly recommend getting Grammarly online, but in any case, focus on careful proofreading of anything you add to the paper and any paragraph I didn't mark for grammar.
• In some cases, I used . . . .   a lot, indicating word waste, so notice these parts and be sure to eliminate the unnecessary words in the revision document.
• In some cases, students repeated the same word over and over within a paragraph. Use brainstorming for synonyms, an online thesaurus, and pronoun substitutes.

OUTLINING, Mon. March 30, 2020

In the following outlines, each number stands for a particular paragraph in the essay.  You should mention the 3 or 4 literary terms wherever you think they fit naturally, except that climax and/or resolution go into particular paragraphs in the outline below. Don't define the literary techniques when you use them, and don't go into a lot of detail. Everyone should mention the kind of narrator used-- for example, if it's a first person narrator in Gay's story, when you are quoting her, you can introduce the quote by saying something like: The first-person narrator, who is also the protagonist, is not afraid of her husband actually behaving unfaithfully:    "  ________________     " (Gay).  Some of the best literary terms to use for this essay, aside from narrator and resolution and/or climax are: flashback, twist, interior monologue, irony, symbol, image. Remember: you only need 3 literary terms.  Using many of them does not necessarily improve the quality of the essay, which is mostly focused on interpretation of the characters and themes.

Outline A (character analysis) -- for "Open Marriage" by Gay and "The Little Green Monster" by Murakami.

1. Introduction--state the name of the two authors and the two stories and indicate the general subject matter (not thesis or main idea) of your comparison/contrast--for example, analysis of the 2 protagonists

2. - 3. Gay-- wife's problem with husband  

4.. - 5. Similarity and/or difference in topic sentence: "Little Green Monster" protagonist facing spousal neglect and fear of monster 

6. Gay-- wife's strategy for dealing with husband

 7. Similarity and/or difference: Murakami's protagonist's dealing with monster and symbolism of monster in relation to husband

8.  Significance/meaning of climax and/or resolution of Gay's story 

9.  Similarity and/or difference (in topic sentence): In the climax and/or resolution (your decision), Murakami's protagonist conquers her fear and finds control.

10. Conclusion--summary of most important comparisons and contrasts and (optional) questions for further interpretation

Outline A (character analysis) s: “Now We Will Be Happy”by Amina Gautier & “The Little Green Monster”by Haruki Murakami    (A lot of you will be doing other combinations of stories--this is just an example so that you can see how a particular structure works.)

1. Introduction--state the name of the two authors and the two stories and indicate the general subject matter (not thesis or main idea) of your comparison/contrast--for example, analysis of the 2 protagonists

2. Pedro's abuse of Rosa

3. Similarity and/or difference in topic sentence: "Little Green Monster" protagonist facing spousal neglect. 

4. Rosa's Puerto Rican background's influence on her attitude to Pedro's abuse

 5. Similarity and/or difference: Murakami's protagonist's Japanese background's influence on her attitude to her husband's neglect

6. Rosa's strategies to take control of her life

7.  Similarity and/or difference in topic sentence: Murakami's protagonist's strategies to take control of her life

8.  In the climax and/or resolution (your decision, Rosa takes or doesn't take control of her life 

9.  Similarity and/or difference (in topic sentence): In the climax and/or resolution (your decision), Murakami's protagonist conquers her fear and finds control.

10. Conclusion--summary of most important comparisons and contrasts and (optional) questions for further interpretation

Outline B (character analysis)  in process (same content, different structure):

1. Introduction--state the name of the two authors and the two stories and indicate the general subject matter (not thesis or main idea) of your comparison/contrast--for example, analysis of the 2 protagonists
2.  Pedro's abuse of Rosa
3. Rosa's Puerto Rican background's influence on her attitude to Pedro's abuse
4. Rosa's strategies to take control of her life
5. In the climax and/or resolution (your decision), Rosa takes control or doesn't take control of her life
6.  Transition to Murakami (similarity/difference): "Little Green Monster" protagonist facing spousal neglect. 
7.  (reference to Rosa in topic sentence) Murakami's protagonist's Japanese background's influence on her attitude to her husband's neglect
8.  (reference to Rosa in topic sentence) Murakami's protagonist's strategies to take control of her life
9. (reference to Rosa in topic sentence) In  climax and/or resolution (your decision),  Murakami's
protagonist conquers her fear and finds control
10. conclusion--summary of most important comparisons and contrasts and (optional) questions for further interpretation



You shouldn't talk about MANY comparisons and contrasts in the essay; you should talk about 3 to 5 and then really support them with evidence.

FOR LOW STAKES WRITING, BODY PARAGRAPH DUE on Mon. Mar. 30, 2020

Mon. 3/30 assignment- (submit by email by 10:30 am- HOMEWORK: LOW STAKES WRITING:  ONE BODY PARAGRAPH OF ESSAY 1.

It doesn't matter which body paragraph you do; just don't do the introduction or the conclusion.

We don't yet have a set of outlines to choose from for Essay 1, but in this sample body paragraph, you can do 1 of the following:

a) state and elaborate on a central point about 1 of the 2 stories that the paper is about (which you will in a latter paragraph compare or contrast with a central point about the other)

b) state and elaborate on a central point about BOTH stories at the same time. (This is more difficult. I don't recommend it, because it's more suitable for the conclusion)

Here are choices for a correct paragraph structure which are partly from the Writing and Literature Textbook, and remember that I Q A means Introduce, Quote, Analyze:

The average body paragraph should be 7 to 10 sentences, including quotations from your sources. 

Body paragraph structure: 

a.  Begin with a topic sentence—either the main point of the paragraph (or the question to be answered in the paragraph).  (The next sentence might further develop ideas in the first. )

b. Introduce (the I in I Q A) a quote

c. Present the quote (the Q in I Q A) itself.

d. Analyze (the A of I Q A) the quote in terms of proving the topic sentence.  

     In some body paragraphs, the writer performs the I Q A pattern twice or even 3 times.

In other body paragraphs, there is some paraphrase and analysis and then an I Q A pattern—or the other way around. ​

     When writing body paragraphs, make sure that you develop your ideas logically and avoid big generalizations that you can’t support. Do not include information that is unrelated to your essay’s main point (thesis). Also, avoid repeating ideas. “As I said before” is a bad thing to say!

ANONYMOUS STUDENTS' EXAMPLES OF A BODY PARAGRAPH, Mon. Mar. 30, 2020

Frequently, one can discern and experience the reality of social inequality in the workforce, and this is especially more notorious for immigrants. In the story Now We Will Be Happy, the author, Amina Gautier, actively points out the social inequality that Yauba as an immigrant faces in his job. Gautier decides to expose and address this element of social inequality by proffering us an insight into Yauba's life in his job. Gautier writes, "Taking no notice of Yauba, these international girls... [W]ho had come here for school, lifted fingers and pointed to what they wanted, held their plates up to the gloved hands that dished their helpings." These international girls spend no attention in Yauba as an individual doing a job, but more likely regard him as a tool; as part of an outer experience of which they do not intend nor care to learn or understand. Men are all created equal, but the truth is that, socially, they don't remain equal. As Gautier rightly notes, ''Thanks to the Jones Act, no Puerto Rican is an immigrant, a fact Jim always pretends to know", Gautier continues, ''He hates to pay him his due, give him his right, treat him like the citizen he is." The fact is that Jim sees Yauba as a second class citizen, one that he can exploit. 

TF comment:  If this is the first or second body paragraph, then the first time the writer quotes Gautier, after the last ", they should use a parenthetic citation: (Gautier).  The period is after the 
(  ) citation. No page number is needed because it's from my syllabus, not a real book or print magazine or PDF of a magazine with pages. The first time you quote each story, use ( ) citation, not after that.

The topic sentence (first sentence) is very effective (if the overall thesis involves "social inequality," because it does INTERPRETATION of the story; it does NOT tell what happened. This is very important, because you should assume the reader knows basically what happens in the stories, and every topic sentence should deal with issues in the prompt (my specific instructions for writing the essay in the course schedule of the syllabus). Actually, the first 2 sentences act as the topic sentence, because the paragraph is supporting the point in the first sentence by talking about Gautier's story AND NOT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE.  This point will be covered for the other story and the comparison/contrast will be made in A DIFFERENT paragraph.
Another really good thing about this paragraph is that there are 2 I Q As: each of the 2 quotes is introduced in the writer's own words, and then comes each "     " and finally, the writer analyzes the quote to prove the point in the topic sentence. And these quotes are very useful in proving the point. 

So what can be improved about this paragraph?   There are only 2 things: 1) The sentence, "Men are all created... remain equal," should be cut, because the previous sentence of interpretation already proves the point, and it's a large generalization that is already covered enough in the opening sentence of the paragraph.  2) Instead of Gautier writes as the introduction for the first quote, this is an opportunity to say something like: "Gautier's third-person subjective narrator represents Yauba's interior monologue: "

The semi-colon after the word "tool" is incorrect; there should be either a dash or a comma. When I grade your papers, if there are substantial grammar errors, I will only be identifying these errors in 3 paragraphs where they are most numerous or evident, and it should be assumed that the student should look for similar errors in other paragraphs while revising and while doing online work with tutors at the Writing Center. In the case of this student's work, the one little error is insignificant, and I wouldn't comment on grammar in that particular paragraph.

Both women characters share a similarity in their actions. Through the experiences both women had in both stories it showed their true character & it’s result in their actions. In “The Green Little Monster” the women’s actions in her story led her from being a scared women approaching her situation frightened and hopeless but later grew courage to stand up to the creature and kill it with negative thoughts she began to grow. Later realizing it helped dominate the creature to its death. Beginning the story we see the women scared and frightened as the creature creeping out of the ground of her oak tree outside walking to the front of her door as she thought “I breathed as quietly as I could, pretending not to be there, hoping the thing would give up and go away.” The women suffering on the inside feeling terrified was hoping for the creature to not believe she was present in her home. This shows the beginning of her emotions in the start of the story that later leads to her actions. Later coming to realize that the creatures weak spot was through her negative thoughts of the creature in which affected him listening to those thoughts and making him weak. We see her thinking “You are an ugly little monster! The purple of the scales grew deeper, and the thing's eyes began to bulge as if they were sucking in all the hatred I was sending them. They protruded from the creature's face like ripe green figs, and tears like red juice ran down from them, splattering on the floor. I wasn't afraid of the monster anymore.” Ending the story off the women builds courage and grows strongly to go against the emotions she had in the beginning towards the creature to finally beat him to his death. Her emotions didn’t get to her anymore but rather help her against the creature leading her to take action against who she first thought was terrifying and frightening to becoming the hero of her story through those actions.  

TF comment:  My comment on (   ) citation about the previous student's paragraph applies to this one as well.  Notice that the previous paragraph puts the action in the PRESENT tense, while this one puts it in the PAST tense but then sometimes switches to the present.  Everyone should PUT THE ACTION CONSISTENTLY IN THE PRESENT TENSE for all stories.

This paragraph contains two fragments that have the same basic problem:
Later realizing it helped dominate the creature to its death.
should read: The protagonist later realizes that it helps dominate the creature to its death.
Later coming to realize that the creatures weak spot was through her negative thoughts of the creature in which affected him listening to those thoughts and making him weak. should read: SHE LATER COMES to realize.. weak.  
You can't use a gerund (an -ing word to begin a sentence, unless it's merely the beginning of a dependent clause--look that up in the Purdue OWL!--followed by an independent clause. Everyone should watch out for fragments.

I think that the writer has very strong insight into Murakami's protagonist's change from timidity to courage, and both quotations support this main point of the paragraph. The I Q A is solid. The first two sentences can be combined into one topic sentence:Both women characters share a similarity in their actions. Through the experiences both women had in both stories it showed their true character & it’s result in their actions. 
Both women characters share a similarity in their actions, because their experience showed their true character and how their actions produced a result. 

The last 2 sentences have effective ideas but can be stated more concisely, since there is some repetition of ideas:
Ending the story off the women builds courage and grows strongly to go against the emotions she had in the beginning towards the creature to finally beat him to his death. Her emotions didn’t get to her anymore but rather help her against the creature leading her to take action against who she first thought was terrifying and frightening to becoming the hero of her story through those actions.  
At the end of Murakami's story, the woman builds courage and overcomes her fear towards the creature to finally beat him to death. Her emotions didn’t get to her anymore but rather help her against the creature, leading her to become the hero of her story through those actions.  



DEVELOPING A THESIS:

The thesis (main point, presentable in a sentence or 2) does not contain all 3-5 elements of comparison/contrast; that would be much too long! The thesis contains the most important or the broadest (most encompassing) element of comparison or contrast or both.

Here is Giselle's example, which I've just tweaked a little, of a tentative thesis:
In both Gay and Murakami's stories, the female protagonists seem to be in a complicated relationship, yet the society can be what is causing the complication, and their different personalities and emotions are seen in how they handle the situation.

Analysis:  This is very close to a fully realized and effective thesis, because Giselle finds the common ground: the two different societies are held responsible for the protagonists' problems. But equally importantly, she is thinking about how the characters RESPOND to their difficulties.

Here is a revision that might make this a fully realized thesis by creating even greater specificity by using the language of feminist analysis that you can find in our Writing and Literature Textbook, p. 2:

In both Gay and Murakami's stories the female protagonists' problems in relationships with their husbands are caused by the patriarchal (male-dominant) societies in which they live, and the characters respond to their lack of social power in different ways, with differing results.

Of course, the thesis doesn't say HOW the responses and results are different and why, but that would make the thesis too long, so the writer can elaborate on this in the essay itself.


BRAINSTORMING FOR COMPARISON/CONTRAST

MOORE, MARIA 2032: FUTURE SHOCK AND  GAUTIER, NOW WE WILL BE HAPPY. (Samuel)

• Characters from both stories are from a Hispanic background.   [TF comment: this is good but you need to go further and say whether the Hispanic background is portrayed in a similar or different way and how that has an impact on a theme of the story--for example, social inequality.
• There's an important element very present in both stories: Social inequity. TF: yes--and you can further indicate whether it's similar or different inequality if that's important to your overall argument.
• Yauba's character is similar to Maria's. They are both very proud of where they come from, and how it has shaped them.  TF: Yes, and you might say how this influences the action of the story
• Both characters give importance to their families (Maria's dad, Yauba's aunt, Rosa's parents). TF: This could be important, if it fits one of  the other main points, but if it doesn't, you might choose to leave it out of the actual paper.

Frances  

“Now We Will Be Happy" by Gautier and Gay’s “Open Marriage”: commonalities:  

  Rosa and Gay's narrator's husband: both in unhappy marriages and desire to be true to oneself.     

TF: Yes, this can be the basis for your overall analysis.

Also: a drive to change their destiny.  

TF: Right, and you'll relate this to the climax in each.

Common trope of food (tostones/yogurt)
         TF: This is a very interesting point and even if it isn't "major," you need to put it in where it fits.

both stories:   climax with an unknown resolution.  

difference:

first person (Gay) vs. 3rd person (Gautier)
TF:  Third person __________. Please be specific. I encourage you all to consider using narrative technique as part of your analysis (and as 1 of your 3 lit. terms) and it can either be a separate paragraph or woven into the introduction or some body paragraph where it's relevant.

Giselle:

Gay "Open Marriage" and Murakami "The Little Green Monster".

3 ELEMENTS about the characters

-  Is that both female leads are wives and are in a complicated relationship.

-  both seem independent

-  the difference is that wife by Gay, is more dominant, confident and strong and the other wife by Murakami is timid, scared, doesn't seem strong but at the end becomes strong.
TF:  These are excellent points-- you will want to relate them to the climax and resolution, non-resolution

 2 ELEMENTS about literary techniques

- The symbolism of the tree and the yogurt.   TF: yes-- symbolism is important, and show how it conveys theme

- the irony of when the wife by Gay was saying she allows husband to be involved with other people. Can also bring modern society into this? TF-  Yes, irony is connected to modern society here, and you want to find an irony in the other story.

Here is the link for my YouTube video on Plagiarism, MLA Documentation, IQA:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChJ4ncuLd2c 

While you're listening to this video, have the Writing and Literature Textbook at hand.

One thing I didn't discuss in this 20 minute video is "patchwriting," which isn't exactly plagiarism and isn't penalized as strongly but does need to be eliminated before someone can get a grade. Patchwriting is changing the grammar and structure of someone else's sentence so that you are not using exactly the same words and not giving credit to them. For example, if a text says, "This world is changing" while a student writes, "The world changes," that's patchwriting. We should all avoid it instead, quote directly and put "       " around the quotation, and follow it with a parenthetical citation (also called in-text citation).